Die
by Evil Hamster of DOOM
Summary: Zelda's mad at Link, and several of the girls have the hots for Sheik... One-shot, rated for VIOLENCE.


Summary: Link and Zelda get into a fight, and several of the girls have the hots for Sheik... Rating for violence.  
  
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Star: Hey! Scythe and I are trying a humor fic now! I am dead serious when I say it will make you laugh.  
  
Scythe: Well, that was a little bit like an oxymoron.  
  
Star: Huh?  
  
Scythe: YOU are serious, THEY will laugh.  
  
Star: Still don't get it, but anyways here it is!  
  
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There was a flash as sword connected with magic, and when it cleared two figures were revealed, one female, the other male. The female, with long blond hair and pointed ears, was fighting in a long, pink dress. And she looked to be irked at something... Maybe it was the dress.  
  
Or not, for as the male, a blond with a green tunic on, parried each of her attacks, she came on with yet another attack. "Link, I am SO going to kill you!" she screeched.  
  
Link dodged another flashing attack that he was sure would end with him face-down on the ground or something like that, then retaliated, exasperatedly, with, "What did I do this time?"  
  
"Argh! I can't believe you are going behind my back with Samos!" The whole time, she never let up in her furious rain of magical blows. This time she grabbed him, and with a mighty flash of her powers, sent him flying through the air behind her, where he landed severely on the hard ground.  
  
"Zelda, please! I didn't go behind your back with anyone! STOP ATTACKING ME!!!" Link yelled as the princess came in with another of her powerful assaults.  
  
Ceasing all attempts to attack for the first time, Zelda said, "Link, have you ever wondered about that guy you travel with?"  
  
'O-kay, that's weird. Is she like all of a sudden interested in Sheik?' though Link, confused. "No, why do you ask?" he spoke aloud.  
  
"I ask because I know who he really is. Or should I say, she?" Zelda stated slyly.  
  
Link looked furious. "Are you saying I was going behind your back with SHEIK, too?!? Just one accusation after another, huh? And besides, Sheik is no GIRL, he's a guy! Bah!"  
  
Zelda's right eyebrow began to twitch, perfectly displaying her irritation in her boyfriend. Or, former boyfriend, maybe. "You JERK!!! Are you implying that girls don't know how to fight?!?"  
  
"No, no! Nothing like that, but he's NOT a girl," Link stuttered.  
  
"Well I know for a fact that Sheik is a girl, because I happen to be her!" she exclaimed. When Link failed to do anything but sit there, still on the ground where he fell, with his mouth hanging wide open, Zelda cast a spell transforming her so she had the appearance of Sheik, her alias.  
  
"Happy?" she grunted, voice now Sheik's deeper one instead of her usual one.  
  
Getting up, Link looked at her through the bangs that cover her eyes. "You're Sheik? I can't believe it! I had no idea you were so good at fighting!" He would have raved on and on to make up for his former ignorance, but someone stopped them. Or, well, two someones.  
  
"Sheik! I'm so glad I found you! I have been looking all over!" Sheik sighed and turned to face her worst nightmare: Peach. How can she actually fight in a dress? The random thought popped into her head and she swiftly cursed it before returning to her previous 'I-hate-Peach' mode.  
  
"What do you want?" she asked irritably. Looking past the princess, her eyes fell on Samos. Wonderful, the two people she hates worst in the world right now. Sheik returned her gaze to the one immediately before her.  
  
Peach looked at her shyly. "Well, I was just telling Samos over here that you are my man, but she doesn't get the idea. Could you please make her understand?" She actually batted her eyelashes at Sheik. How disgusting!  
  
So, she scoffed and turned away, practically puking. Just as she did so though, she noticed Samos, in her battle suit, march right over to Peach's side and holler directly into her ear, "Sheik belongs to no one until I convince him he's MINE! Is that clear?"  
  
Peach was stunned for a second and stood there with swirly eyes. She shook her head and pulled out her golf club, swinging it at the offender. Darn, she missed.  
  
Link was also stunned by this turn in events, but promptly looked, disheartened, into the...helmet...on Samos' head. "Do you really not like me?" he questioned.  
  
God! He is the biggest idiot in the world! How dumb can you get, saying that in front of the girl who just so happens to be your girlfriend? Zelda's face, covered by a combination of her bangs and the collar of her Sheik costume, was bright, steaming, red. "LINK, YOU IDIOT!!! HOW COULD YOU! YOU WENT OUT WITH HER!! GNYAH!" With one quick punch to the face, Link was blown quite a ways away. Sheik followed, paying no heed to the two other girls who were actually beginning to fight over Sheik.  
  
"I can't believe you just said that!" screamed Peach at Samos as she watched her crush begin attacking Link.  
  
The bounty hunter stood there looking as if nothing was going on or had happened. "What are you talking about? All I did was save Sheik from the evil that is you."  
  
"Do you WANT to have a close encounter with your new best friend, the frying pan?" asked the princess dryly, holding up said object for all to see.  
  
Smirking, though you couldn't see it through her high-tech suit, Samos replied, "And what if I do? It's not like I would be hurt or anything."  
  
"Oooooh, that is the last straw! Samos, you will die today!" Raising her frying pan high above her head, Peach dashed over and gave her helmeted head a solid bang before backing away quickly. "How did you like that?"  
  
Samos was wobbling around like she was drunk or something, little stars flying around her injured head. "Oh, pretty little stars!" she mumbled nearly incoherently. Unfortunately for Peach, she shook herself out of the trance rather fast and prepared to fire her own weapon. "Hah! How would you like to have a close encounter with YOUR new best friend, eh?" she asked as the fully charged laser beam finally released its attack, directed at Little Miss Priss.  
  
Her eyes widened as she saw the large blast coming towards her. "KYAAA!!!" As a last attempt to protect her from injury, she pulled her good friend Toad out from wherever it is that all of her items are stored. She held him out; she was pushed back several feet and he was fried to a crisp. She blinked rapidly then looked at the toasted Toad in her hands. "Um, Toad, are you okay?" When he didn't answer, she shrugged and threw him over her shoulder to fall unceremoniously to the ground.  
  
"You could have damaged my hair!" screeched a furious Peach. (Samos sweat dropped.) Pulling yet another item from her infamous...place...Peach revealed an overlarge turnip with a face. It looked surprisingly like XD. (Look sideways at it.)  
  
Both girls heard clapping from somewhere in the area. They turned and saw Link and Sheik paused in mid-battle applauding them. "Nice turnip! The expression is very relevant to the situation!" called Link.  
  
"Samos! That blast was really well aimed!" called Sheik. Then, they turned back to their previous task. "DIE!!!" was heard from the female, then a loud "AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" from the male as he was practically crisped before their very eyes. At least he fared better than Toad...  
  
Samos turned triumphantly to face her girly opponent. "There you go! He likes me better! Why don't you just give up while you still have the chance?"  
  
"Never!" Peach hissed, before launching the humongous turnip at Samos.  
  
The bounty hunter cracked up laughing as a quick blast from her laser gun completely incinerated the vegetable as it flew through the air. But her laughter was short-lived as another odd turnip hit her in the head. She glared at Peach, who was trying to look innocent.  
  
Then, both girls noticed that they weren't where they were before. "Hey, when did this turn into a battle arena?" complained Samos as she looked at the large amount of swirling colors that surrounded them on all sides. Then she saw a baseball bat. Hm, interesting development... FUN!!!  
  
The princess saw Samos looking at the baseball bat, and yelled "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" as she started to dive for it. Too late, Samos got there first. Well, there's only one thing to do when the opponent has a baseball bat and you have a bunch of turnips. PLAY BALL!  
  
Peach began pulling turnip after turnip from wherever-it-is and hurling them straight at Samos, hardly paying attention as she hit each one out of the ring and they all landed in a pile on top of Toad.  
  
Samos on the other hand, was looking as if she were having the time of her life. Seizing the opportunity presented to her, she raced forward, dodging all the vegetables coming her way, and prepared herself for the ultimate attack: DESTROY-PEACH-WITH-THE-BASEBALL-BAT-BY-HITTING-HER-REALLY-REALLY- HARD!  
  
There was a slight blue flash and a loud cracking sound was heard and Peach was officially out of the ring, falling into the abyss of swirling colors. Samos had won. Thank God!  
  
The bounty hunter stepped right in between Sheik and Link, interrupting their fight. They both jumped away from her before they clashed, not really wanting to provoke her meanness when she got mad in case they were to hit her. Sheik used that weird spell-thing and transformed back into Zelda, glaring death at the intruder.  
  
Samos saw her transform just as she was about to go and glomp her long-time crush. Stopping herself just in time, she asked confusedly, "Hey where did Sheik go? I could have sworn he was just here..."  
  
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Star: There you go! Our first try at the humor category! If you liked it, please review! If you didn't like it, please review!  
  
Scythe: (whining) Can I go kill Peach now?  
  
Star: (slaps her) You've already killed her like five times today! And we just wrote that she...was eliminated...in the ficcie! What more do you need?  
  
Scythe: Well sorry, I just really don't like her...  
  
Star: As you can see folks, that was partially the inspiration for this! The other part was my brother was beating my butt pretty badly while we played Super Smash Bros. Melee. I was Zelda/Sheik, and he was Link. I've always wanted to actually beat him at it! So I wrote something up.  
  
Scythe: WHATEVER!!! NOW LET ME GO KILL MISS PRISS!!!  
  
Star: And don't forget to click the little button to leave a review! Check out my other ficcies!  
  
Subliminal Message: Buy a purple hat with pink polka dots. 


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